The Women's Circle/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW As men, you know, people are always asking us to do things we don't wanna do... Feed the dog; change the channel; have kids. And sometimes we get asked to do things that are just plain dangerous. Like washing the outside of the upstairs windows. Nobody wants to be climbing a $25 rickety ladder with a pail full of soapy water. Not to mention the squeegee, which got its name from the sound the guy made when he landed on one. Naturally, there's a better way. All you need is some liquid soap in a balloon, a wet suit and a coupla hockey sticks. Okay, now I just need the rinse. I got water in this one. Well, possum lake water, close enough. [ applause ] [ cheers and applause ] thank you very much. Thank you. Well, I appreciate that. Yeah, okay. Well, we had a little bit of a boating accident here. A little tip for you: If you're ever driving a boat, don't turn around and talk to the people behind you for more than a couple of minutes at a time. What was that?! What? Oh. What was that?! [ cheers and applause ] just relax, harold. You always said you wanted to try runnin' the rapids. Yes, yes, I did. In a kayak! Not in a houseboat. What are we gonna tell junior singleton? Well, why would we tell him anything? It was his boat! Okay, yeah, well, we'll tell him it was stolen. I mean, if we get rid of the steering wheel and the paddle, there won't be a trace of her anywhere. There's traces of junior's houseboat scattered along the entire length of the lake, uncle red. All right, we'll tell him that it was an act of god. We cannot blame this on god. He's still apologizing for you. Red! Red! Where are all the women?! Well, I don't have them, I know for sure he doesn't have 'em. Well, they're all missing! What? Yeah, we got home a couple of days early from our boat cruise, but I was expecting to see ann marie at home. And buster's sister is missing. Old man sedgwick's mother's gone. Or maybe she got lost in the couch cushions again. Well, just relax. It's no big deal. They probably rented a hall somewhere so they could watch oprah together or something. I mean, you gotta give women a little space sometimes. Just let them enjoy themselves. Ohhhh, I find that attitude refreshing and mature, uncle red. Yeah, well, it's not just my wife. Bernice is missing too! Well, what the heck's goin' on?! Yes, exactly! It's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] today's prize is two tickets to the heartwarming new movie about a little lost lamb who becomes heavyweight champion of the world. Don't miss "raging wool." okay, cover your orifices, mr. Farquharson. Okay, mr. Green you got 30 seconds to get charlie farquharson to say this word... All right, mike. And go! All right, charlie, when you were growing up, most the people in your area lived on this... Social assistance. No, no, no, no. Okay. Okay. This is a place where they have domestic animals in an enclosed space. A singles bar. No, okay. Okay. You know what, if you wanna play in the nhl, first you have to play on this team... Russians! No, okay, you know when somebody dies, you say they bought the... Wrong kinda heart medicine. Almost outta time, mr. Green. Charlie, you inherited this from your father. Foot odor! Fortunately, I live on a farm. Yeah! [ doorbell ] [ ♪ ] whoooooo! [ ♪ ] [ cheers on tv ] whooooooo! Anncr: When the guys come over for the play-offs, there's one thing you can't forget... You don't buy 'em, you rent 'em. Are you pumped for the big game? You know, some day you'll look back at your kids growin' up and you'll think those were the best times of your lives. That's because we tend to only remember the good times, and because our lives tend to get worse and worse. The truth is nothing ruins a dream vacation with your kids faster than to actually have to take your kids on it. Luckily, today's brand new deluxe mini-vans have all kinds of conveniences to make travelling with kids a lot more enjoyable. They've got tvs and dvd players and video games. The whole shebang. But what carmakers forget is that most people who have kids can't afford a brand new mini-van. Luckily, thanks to a modern miracle, known as the teen-aged driver, vans that start out lookin' like that end up lookin' like this. And they're a lot more affordable. Heck, if you can pick up an old mini-van for next to nothing, you don't care if it gets wrecked. Kinda like when you rent one. Now, I'm gonna show you how to give this van all the family friendly features that the super vans have for a fraction of the cost. Assuming zero is a fraction. First thing you wanna do is get the bench seats outta there. Gotta keep the kids apart. Every war in history was started by immature people being too close together. So what you wanna do is measure the length of your kids' arms and then position these chairs farther apart than that. This unit is designed for two kids. If you're catholic you may need to get a school bus. For extra safety, I've installed the five-point seat belts. That way the kids will be protected against the number one family road hazard, each other. We even have a video game for one of the kids. See the line from this fishing rod? It goes out through the window. And dangling from the end is an action figure that comes free whenever you supersize your double cheese, fries and a soft drink. I would think. And the kid controls the movement of our action figure by winding in and letting out the line, see? You can even set the level of difficulty by adjusting the tension on the reel. And of course the obstacles you're trying to avoid are the dreaded bubbles of death. See, I've got this jar of liquid soap connected by a siphon tube to this bubble blower. So when you drive along the wind fires the bubbles toward the action hero, put a little dirt on the guy, soon as he's clean, game's over. Okay, now, to keep the other kid amused I cut a hole in the roof and hung an aquarium filled with goldfish. This is to simulate a movie, see? Just show them the box of the 20,000 leagues under the sea, and he'll be convinced. By the way, if one of your kids is smart, you should do this with the other one. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. And for that little extra something that every parent loves, get yourself one of these toy microphones that comes out the radio. Hello? Is that coming through? Is this working? They sell these so kids can pretend they're famous singers. ♪ she was only a bird ♪ ♪ in a gilded cage ♪ but this microphone is not for the kids to sing into, it's for you to talk into. Hey, you two, settle down back there! [ applause ] I saw that! [ applause ] I wanna talk to you older guys a little bit about the generation gap. Remember when it was a good thing? Back in the '60s when we were coming up to speed at the on-ramp of the highway of life? Put a few miles on since then, haven't we, huh? Now we're stoppin' at every service centre, and worried that maybe the next exit will be ours. We went from chanting, "make love not war," to getting married and doing both. And now some of us even have kids, or as they're also known: The ultimate payback. See, nobody talks about the generation gap anymore, and that's because most of us are on the wrong side of it. But that's all right. It's okay to be on the wrong side of the generation gap. Or the wrong side of your boss. Or even once in a while, the wrong side of your wife. As long as when you go to the cemetery, you're still on the right side of the grass, you're doin' fine. Remember, I'm pullin' for ya. We're all in this together. [ applause ] a man's home is his castle. Protect the throne. Well, we solved the mystery, but I'll tell ya, all the women missing on the Monday afternoon sent a real shock through the whole area. I mean, it's not like we have a mall or anything. Found the army surplus box, uncle red! Boy, do we have a lot of spiders down there. Yeah, we don't mind them really. We used to have a lot of flies everywhere in the lodge, but now we've go spiders it feels like we're moving up the food chain. Oh great. And we found out where the women were. Oh at the church. They're at the church. Women's circle meeting. They're at the women's circle -- how'd you know about that? Well, they meet every Monday afternoon. Really? How long's that been going on? Couple years. You knew that and you didn't tell me? You didn't ask. So anyway, at the women's circle there, they all get together and talk about, you know, whatever's on their mind. So those of us who live with these women are thinking, you know, that could be valuable information. So with the help of these army surplus walkie talkies, we're gonna make that happen. Got it. Yes, you do, harold. What we're gonna do is use this fishing line, drop a walkie talkie down through the church chimney, we're gonna be able to hear everything they're talkin' about. That is so wrong. That's an invasion of privacy. What? What are you looking at? You got a fair sized arachnid on your forehead, harold. Yeah, I know. I've been eating too much chocolate. No, it's a spider, harold. What?! Yeah, you know what? It's been there a few minutes now. Ah! Ah! Ahhhhhhh! Get it off! Get it off! Get it offffffff! Okay. Okay. Okay. Why didn't you tell me?! You didn't ask. [ applause ] red: It must've been August, coz I was washin' the possum van. And you know, you just get doing something, and it never fails, you'll get something that interrupts something. My cell phone starts ringing, I just throw the hose over there. I don't use a cell phone enough exactly to ever know where it is. I should really turn the ring up on that. Try the glove box, no she's not in there. It's in the coffee mug I think. There we go. So I get on there, and it's walter on the other end. But didn't have a great connection. You know always with a cellphone you can hear the odd word but there's never a verb or anything. Not clear what he was saying. Then he thought maybe if he could move around... Sometimes when you're near the water, you get out on the water, you'll get a little more, you'll get a little better signal. But don't go too far out onto the water. Well, that's a good idea. Maybe on the boat it'll be -- but I'm still not gettin' him, so I thought if I go a little higher, get up on the ladder... What I didn't realise was the water had soaked the ground, and got kind of a -- there's a lotta gravity around the possum lake area. My problem there, I needed a longer ladder. But I'm still not gettin' -- he wondered if he holds a fishing rod -- no, still even doesn't. So I'm thinking maybe I should get away from the building, or maybe the possum van itself is throwing it off. So I'm goin' -- and meanwhile he's comin' through the area they're trying to demolish up around the lodge. Funny he didn't notice that wrecking ball, but... That actually brought him over to the van, but of course I was gone at that point. And walter got the idea maybe if he could get on top with van being somewhat metal, he could climb up the side, hook his fishing rod on, just kinda wind himself right up the unit there. Meanwhile, I had found my way back to the van, but I didn't notice of course that walter was up there. Still wasn't getting much of a signal, so I thought maybe if we could take her up to the point... This was really kind of, uh, probably not the best thing to try at home, kids. And I hear walter's up on the roof, so I hit the brakes. And I come out to see exactly what it is that he's callin' about, and he wanted to see if I wanted to go fishin', and I say it's a little late now, maybe you shoulda called me earlier. [ applause ] you know, when I was a kid, my mother would always cook up a turkey for special occasions. She'd roast it in the oven with potatoes all around the outside. I mean, it's an easy way to cook, but it doesn't really work up here at the lodge, because we got so many big eaters. I've seen moose thompson put a 25-pound turkey on a roofing nail and call it an hors d'oeuvre. So we've had to take our cooking techniques and biggy size 'em. The real problem here is that the average oven only holds about 9 cubic feet of food, which is the same capacity as moose's left cheek -- the one he eats with. So we need a bigger cooker. Meet the possum lodge v-8 oven. The floorboards are all rotted out of this unit. The exhaust system leaks. So it's like a gift from heaven. All's I had to do was take a few spark plug wires off to get raw gas into the tail pipe. Who hasn't been there? And we got ourselves a man-sized oven. A little trial and error involved in the oven settings. I find if you set the idle to 1200 rpm, you can get the entire cargo area up to 350 degrees. [ timer dinging ] you'll have to excuse me, dinner's ready. [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, we interrupt the red green show so that I may bring you the following important environmental message. [ ♪ ] greetings, campers. Ranger gord here with another one of my patented well, say, now. Here's a pleasant scene. A couple of vacant-eyed goofballs enjoying a casual sail together. Unfortunately, being out on the water without proper training can be fatal to even the sharpest tack in the drawer. Oh sure, when the weather is calm, nothing to worry about. But what happens if the wind picks up? And the boat starts taking on water? And, well, perhaps the bailer gets flung overboard. And what if you don't have enough life jackets, hmm? So remember, kids, never swim in a good fishing spot. It's just common sense, isn't it? [ hearty chuckle ] oh! [ chuckle ] well, yet another reminder that there's almost nothing about women that we understand. So we're up there on the church roof, got the walkie talkie hanging from the fishing line down through the chimney into the room where they're having the meeting. Yeah, we got the other walkie talkie beside us so we can hear what they're saying. You know, I'm not sure but I think maybe we were breaking four of the 10 commandments. You know, being on the roof of a church, that's gotta be a new record. I would say, yeah. And it was a warm day, wasn't it, dalton? Oh, very warm. Very warm. But no matter how warm it is women can still get a chill. Oh yeah! They can get a chill. So imagine our surprise when in the middle of the meeting, they started a fire in the fireplace. [ laughing ] how did it go? You hear anything hot? You wouldn't believe what they said about us, harold. Wait a minute, I don't think it's fair to criticize them for saying things you were never intended to hear. Harold, no! This was really hurtful. And there's no taking this back. You know what they said about each and every one of us husbands? Absolutely nothing. Zero. Nada. Talked about their jobs, talked about their neighbours, talked about their kids, not a word about us. Maybe they've given up. No, no, no, no. This is their way of saying that we are such a small part of their lives we don't even make it onto the radar. Well, two can play at that game, can't they, dalton? That's right! We are going to start being a huge part of their lives. At home, on time, every night. Talk to them! Whoa, that'll teach 'em a lesson. We're gonna buy 'em gifts, harold. We're gonna buy 'em flowers, aren't we, dalton? Uh... Yeah, I guess, sure. Yeah! And we're gonna take 'em out on dates. Y-yeah... But double dates, right? Hey, whatever it takes to get them talking about us. You're gonna take them somewhere special, though, huh? Oh yeah. Somewhere special? How about the 10th annual monster truck showdown?! Where you pay for the whole seat... But you only use the edge! [ possum squealing ] meeting time. You guys go ahead, I'll be right down, huh? Okay! Ohohohohoho! If my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. I'm hopin' to give you something to talk about tonight. We paid for the whole bed, but we'll only use the edge! To the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] sit down, everybody. Sit down in the back there. All rise! Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. All right, men, bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to... I guess. You know, somebody once said that the only thing worse than having people talk about you was not having people talk about you. That was oscar wilde. The hot dog guy? No, that's oscar meyer. You see, only a wiener would know that. [ ♪ ]